Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
