We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
