my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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