I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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