So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize