I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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