I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
