Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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