I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
