I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
