the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize