mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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