Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
