it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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