I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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