So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Watching her eat just hurts me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
