There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
