When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
