His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
