it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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