Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
