life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
