I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
