I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
