How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think i got beer on your cat.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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