I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
