All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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