You can't motorboat a personality
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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