I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
