how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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