It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
