you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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