I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
