all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
