I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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