I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
