Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
