My room smells like vodka and shame
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sorry about my life...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
