there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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