Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
