saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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