It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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