He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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