I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
if only i could text you this smell
We need to rekindle our bromance
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
porn star boner night. come get it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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