false alarm. still invincible.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
