so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
