I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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