cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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