'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
