2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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