I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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