You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
