just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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