How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
