burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
